RDA

D stands for Delroy bio-dad
R stands for Rupert
A stands for an ex

There are three men that came in and out my life, and they were all very special to me; It hurt more than anything when they exited my life. One didn't want to stay, one died, and the other was simply a mirage. I had three distinct relationships with each, but they all gave me something I craved the most. All my life I've been trying to find myself, and it took me awhile to figure out who was staring back at me. I was lost, confused and had no hope and these men almost helped me to reach my life long goal, but as they exited so did the dream until I found a new hope that was there all along.

D stands for dad which I didn't have all my life. When I was 3 my parents split and I was devastated. The crazy part was when I was born my mom told me he couldn't put me down, I was his pride and joy. He took me everywhere like I was his wallet. I have so much pictures of me and him in my early years and the way we looked in the pictures you would think we were on the verge of having  tight knit family with 2 more on the way. But nope, the I only time I asked for my dad was when I was asking my mom where he was and when was he coming home. I happened to have had the typical story of a child that was brought up in a divorced household, child either grows up messed up or grows up trying to prove that her daddy made the wrong decision leaving and not staying apart of their life. In my case I was pretty messed up, I spaced out in school, I did my work but I wasn't sociable. I was constantly teased and I had low self esteem. I grew up thinking the worst about myself, I wanted to die everyday, plotted to kill myself and all, never tried though, I was just depressed. I was 10 and I cried almost every night, blamed myself and all. Growing up I put on a front at school to made it seem like I was happy; I would come home and not do homework,I was too busy imagining what life would be like if i was white or pretty or had a full happy family or if daddy stayed. Being the only child was the hardest thing, my mom was a single parent trying to support me and she long hours not to mention her job was far, so I would be home alone every day, granted my grandparents lived upstairs but I just wanted to be alone. I went through a lot in my 22 years of life, so much I cant even recall everything, but I know that through age 3 to 16 were my worst years.

R stands for Rupert, he was this guy that my mom was dating and they were pretty serious. His relationship with me was one I never dreamed I would have experience and I loved him so. He was the perfect step-dad, I never loved a man so much, he treated me like a father treats his favorite child, he took me out, he looked after me, and took care of me and he loved me. I was a very inquisitive child growing up and I loved to debate about GOD, the word and things that went on in the world. We held intelligent conversations and he made me feel good about myself, he was just there like how a father should be to their child. I loved his warmth, and his kind heart, he was the sweetest man I knew. His ability to make me smile, and make me comfortable was effortless. I never felt bored around him, I loved him so much I tried to pressure my mom to marry him, but he wouldn't speak on the topic. I was always confused,  and wondered why would he spend so much time around me if he didn't love me, or wasn't trying to marry m mom. One day he was in the hospital and the next he was gone. He was sick and was going to die, and he didn't want anyone to know. When i found out my heart shattered to pieces, all I kept thinking was NOOO not again! this cant happen again! I cannot have someone I love this much be taken from me again, I needed him, his love his support, A FATHER FIGURE I needed it sooo much and it was gone....just like that. I never cried so much, after his funeral I was dead, ghost, I didn't wanna talk or deal with anybody. I went back to my old ways and it just got worse, depression had sprung up upon me again and I had just given up.

A stands for ex boyfriend, This was a relationship I had recently and it stirs up old memories both good and bad. We had a short relationship but the way it was going you would have thought we would have gotten married had three kids and a farm, it was just that perfect. But NOTHING is perfect. What I appreciated about this relationship was the fact that he wasn't your typical guy, he was smart, supportive and inspirational. When we were together he inspired me to be greater than I ever thought I could be, I wanted to climb Mount Everest with him on my side. He took the time out to explain things to me, teaching me, and coaching me about stuff like like real estate, politics, culture and other religions. He opened up my mind to new and exciting things and I was so willing to learn from him. This man, before and during our relationship would give me tips and help me learn about real estate, I believe he sincerely wanted me to be even better than he was. Not only did he teach me things, he made me feel beautiful like really beautiful, I've never been with a person who constantly validated me and made me really secure in my relationship. I trusted him and had every reason to, not only did I literally spend every min with him, I trusted him. I was in my own little bubble, like have you ever been with someone where you see no one else but you them and clouds..like it was crazy. I was in lala land, blinded. He made me feel so secure that I showed him the real me, which was my real hair and he even made me feel better about going natural. I cant explain it, but when we were together he just made me feel good. In some weird way, I guess I looked at him as a father figure in some instances, he validated my looks which a father is suppose too, he taught me things not only about the business but things in life that I wasn't exposed to which a father is suppose too, and he really loved me, and I never felt love like that before. It was real, new and exciting and its sad that I never got that from my father, but a boyfriend so when we broke up I was crushed yet again. So again I went through my period of being depressed, and down and I looked like death for a few months.

What saddens me is that all of this has to do with my dad, and him not being there, and the fact that I had to seek love from these people, but there relationships made me smarter, wiser, and experienced. Even though I hated going through them it has gotten me closer to God. Through all this, God has been the only constant in my life, he has never let me down and left me in any shape or form, and it took me years to realize this, but when I did I definitely grabbed a hold on God and never let go since. So remember when you go through your troubles, life knocks you down and you seem all hope is gone just remember God is the only one that can satisfy your soul and fill the gap of who you lost. God is unchangeable and his love is endless, you can ALWAYS count on him.