Poetry Slam pt 1

This feeling, this dreadful feeling, feeling like no one cares, feeling all alone, my feelings has been hurt before, so young, in denial, so forgiving, until my feelings couldn’t be hurt no more, took control, made things my way, made it so that you couldn’t hurt me, no, no one could but me, I was in control of my own hurt, I was the master of my own feelings, I was strong, and unbreakable. Then I met u, and I lost control, I lost me, and had feelings, feelings of love, joy, complete and total happiness, you gave me what no one else could, u gave me hope, a reason to live, to try, to attempt, to want, and now your gone, and I have no control, no hope, no reason to want to live, wanting wanting, feeling feelings, dying death, inside this heart of mine, chained by your love, distant from your love, emotionless, weary, dry, your love was powerful, it changed my outlook, my reason of being, alone I alone, sit by your thing, the one thing I held on to, I don’t want to forget you, but u me, linking this all back to a time before, the root of the issue, the main reason why these feelings were invented, you walked away and so did he, thinking of hurt and scars result in you, the both of you, is this my fate, to be broken in two, no real true real happiness, my will to is not, no one understands, especially not you, and even though I'm over it, it still hurts my heart to know, but the past is the past and my future who knows, but how broken I am will just be weights on the next, you made it hard for me to love and to be loved, now selfish is that, screw this poem, its more of my feelings, feelings of feeling like there is but nope, no hope, just nothing, so was it worth it, meeting u, knowing u, allowing myself to love you, I can honestly say NO, the heartache was too much, a second tear, hole, nail, stab, wound, just reopened the other one.

Rant & Raves

I’m mad, angry, jealous, envious, selfish, mean, sad, downright miserable, you YOU have taken the very thing I want, I need, you stole it, you gave me it and you took it back, HOW DARE YOU, you looked me in the face and told me you loved me, told me I was special, and that you planned for me, that I was perfect, and beautiful, YOU LIED TO ME, YOU MADE ME BELIEVE, YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU AND YOU WALKED AWAY, now I’m damaged goods, no one wants to put up with me, no one wants to love me, to chase me, to FIGHT for me. Apparently I’m not special enough, or worthy enough to have what I desire, ALL MY LIFE I FOUGHT, I’m tired, I'm sick, I’m over it, I give up, I’m done, I’m broken, and you cant super glue me, I’m shattered into too many little pieces, I’m intangible, half of me is missing and you cant find it, not like your looking anyway, I’m me and I’m done, I retreat, crawl back into the shell, and stay in there forever, the old me, the me that smiled and went home and cried, the actress, the fakeness, that was and is me, and I’m back

My Love

Love defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. or a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, friend, or partner. My definition is a bit different, see i believe if the person stalks you they love you lol seriously though like not stalk STALK but a little drive by here and there lol. No but on a serious note if he calls you about 4-8 times a day and sees you on a regular or tries to, and makes you happy and sometimes annoys you he is perfect because he truly cares, now if he calls over 10 times and shows up at your house before you then that's stalkerish. Now that's my personal view on love, maybe sick to you but being a victim or product of a broken home cause ME personally to seek attention and alot of it but not too much from my mate (so yea you can think poor him, but when he finds me he better come prepared). I believe that love from God, with his love I have the ability to love others which helps me love and love myself, because at one point I didn't believe in love. Sometimes I wonder when I can experience this live again, love pure and kind, never judging always patient, and accepting no matter what or who, yeaa that's real love.

Growing up the only love I knew was love from God,my mother and grandmother, I never loved anyone as much as I loved them, they raised me, took care of me and made me the person I am today. I had alot of self esteem issues growing up, faced many heartbreaks from my father, and from kids at school teasing me. I just grew up mostly sad. When I think back, I wanna cry because I started out being depressed at age seven and for most of my life. I was scarred, I even almost tried suicide at one point in my life, it was depressing, I was so lost and alone and didn't know who I was, I was insecure and I cried myself to sleep almost every night. But on the outside at school even in front of my family I put on a smile, a smile that was so real no one knew what troubled me, only my mom of course and she did the best she could to help me, but I was my own person going through my own struggles. All I ever wanted was Love, specific love straight from my father, but I never got it. I got older he tried, but at that time I was done with love, given up on it and him, expected failure and boy did he provide it. But now I know what love is, and I think that's why I require so much attention for any man that wants to be in my life. It was when I gave my life to Christ I started to realize what real Love is and how much he loved me and sacrificed for me. I can truly say that I love God, myself, my family and friends. I sound like alot of work, but I guess its for the right person. I never thought I would want this, but I think I need a guy that's gonna rescue me, like save me and show me that not all men are like that, not all men treat women, and daughters like trash or expendables. I guess I need my SUPERMAN literally.